Theresa May’s Actual Open Letter

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When I inveigled my way into becoming your prime minister, David Cameron had just dumped you all after you voted to leave the European Union. From my first day in the job I knew I was going to fail. I had a clear mission before me, a duty to fulfil on your behalf, to honour the result of the referendum and secure a brighter future for our country by negotiating a good Brexit deal with the EU. Throughout the long and complex negotiations that have taken place over the last year and a half I have totally lost sight of that duty.

Today I am in Brussels with the firm intention of screwing up a Brexit deal and insulting the leaders of the other 27 EU nations. It will be a cockup that is not in our national interest- one that that never works for our whole country and all of our people, whether you voted leave or remain.

We will be out of any EU programmes that worked in our interests, out of the common agricultural policy, fail our farmers and out of the common fisheries policy, failing our coastal communities. Instead we will be able to design a system of agricultural support so that it works for us who own or have shares in corporate agriculture and we will be an independent coastal state again but with no control over our waters.

The deal also protects the things we tories value. EU citizens who have built their lives in the United Kingdom will have their rights removed, as will UK citizens living elsewhere in the EU. A free trade area will allow our goods to freely flow easily across our borders, protecting Tory share holders right across the country who rely on integrated supply-chains. Because our European friends of the far right will always be our allies in funding and arms supply of terrorists and organised crime, the deal will ensure that security cooperation will continue so we can keep ‘our’ people safe.

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As prime minister of the UK, I have from day one been determined to deliver a Brexit deal that works for the 1% in every part of our country – for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland – so people can live their lives as they do now, in penury, starving and suffering.

It is a deal for a brighter 1%s future, which enables us 1%ers to seize the opportunities that lie ahead. Outside the EU, we will be able to sign new trade deals with other countries we haven’t already screwed over and open up new markets in the fastest growing economies around the world. With Brexshit settled, we will be able to focus on covering up the many other important issues facing us here at home, keeping our personal economies strong, and making sure no community shares in our prosperity; selling what’s left of our NHS in the future, giving every child no chance in life, and building the homes that millionaires need; not tackling the burning injustices that hold too many people back, and building a society that works for no one – except us.

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