Hacks HQ- Happy News Year

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Hacks HQ -Editors Log

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Monday 31st December

The last day of 2018, New Year’s Eve… I have got fed up with those meddling nincompoops at Unity News who keep stealing my diary when I’m passed out under my desk after drinking too much at Annabel’s… I have decided to stop writing in it. This will be my last diary entry.

It’s been a good year, I don’t know how we did it but we managed to keep Theresa May in power, stop people questioning really questionable stuff like the Minister for Brexit not knowing that Dover/Calais was an important trade route for the UK.

That was nothing compared to the real beaut of Chris Grayling giving nearly £14 million to a shipping company that has no ships and only had £66 in its bank account. Somehow we managed to pass it off as unimportant and it was swept under the rug like so many other absurdities the UK Government undertook this year.

Our proudest moments this year, seeing a special rapporteur for Poverty visit our shores who said that there are people in absolute destitution, in-work poverty and children in poverty in the sixth richest country in the world. He also said it was easy and relatively inexpensive to fix the problems if the government only decided to do so. Yet instead of listening to anything he had to say and informing the public about it we just ignored him and carried on the rhetoric that work will save people from poverty. People believe it too and we made sure that no one found out about the employed homeless man that died this year on the steps of Parliament.

We’re also proud that we fobbed off the public about how serious it was that Theresa May withdrew the meaningful vote prior to Christmas. We tried to manipulate people to believe that Mays deal is Brexit even though most of us can see that her Brexit means Brexit doesn’t really mean Brexit unless Brexit means a not really Brexit but this was the best I could do because I’m a bit of a weak and wobbly Prime Minister Brexit.

We did an outstanding job of totally ignoring the fact that £1 billion of public money was spent on bribing 10 DUP MPs to vote with the Conservatives in order to prop up their minority Government, (thanks to Jeremy Corbyn trashing the Tory majority in 2017) and it being a total waste because even they can’t possibly vote for this Brexit doesn’t actually mean Brexit deal.

The Skripals, was another spectacular farce of ours this year, with some help from a Government-funded group called the Integrity Initiative. Don’t be fooled by the name though because there is no integrity just a motivated group focused on getting rid of Jeremy Corbyn! Hurrah! Linking Jeremy to being a Russian spy and a Russian sympathiser by photoshopping his hat was a stroke of genius.

We trivialised and lied to the max this year, thank goodness that David Cameron backtracked on his promise of a Leveson two or we would never have got away with it. Psst, don’t tell anyone we are phone hacking again or we’ll get into big trouble.

Anyway, I need to attend my exclusive New Years Eve party at Annabel’s. I guess as I won’t be writing in my diary anymore I’ll just chuck this in the bin. It’s been fun diary but I just can’t risk you being discovered again.

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