Hacks HQ – Episode Eleven – Sunday Satire


Hacks HQ – Editors Log

Stardate – Ta1k1n65hita11w33k

In my summary of the week, it has been another rollercoaster as we try to keep a lid on an overflowing cesspool of corruption and obvious mass stupidity. We were left wondering in the newsroom again this week, how an expensive private education is worth the money when those that have had said education, say really really stupid things in public.
We’ve had to use our overtaxed imaginations to concoct distraction stories to turn the heads of the nation away from all the stupidity.
At all costs we must ensure that people stick to the status quo, we must not have them questioning the Government and forcing change. A task that seems to be getting harder and harder to achieve each week. I deserve a pay rise and like Prince Andrew, I think I deserve a yacht…

Monday 26th November 2018

Unite the Union officially start the promotion for their Universal Credit day of action across the country on Saturday 1st December. So of course along with all our mainstream mates we totally ignored that, into the bin it went.

A new probe landed on Mars, we’re really hoping that we discover something which confirms we can terraform that planet. We really need a new planet to escape to and obviously, we would need a Pret A Manger Or forty…

This planet only has twelve years left according to a climate report and there’s no way we’re going to stop ripping up its natural resources because people like myself need more, more, more!

A colleague found the happy news that we can put Margaret Thatcher on the new fifty-pound note after all! Hooray, happy, happy news! We’ve either convinced them that adding water to ice cream is one of the greatest scientific discoveries ever, or somehow managed to fool the nation that she was one of the greatest Tory Prime Ministers of all time..?
Calling her the Iron Lady gave her a tough. no-nonsense image and as such we also get away with expensive statues, grand state funerals (with lots of free champagne) all at the cost of the taxpayer!
The great thing is they lap it up, they love it! If ever we can prove what a fantastic job we do in the mainstream media, it is this…

Tuesday 27th November 2018

Today it was found that the police’s time is taken up by dealing with people with mental health issues. The police are trying to spin this as their time is being wasted because of cuts to mental health services but we were plucky and decided to twist this story in a positive way.

“Police do such an amazing job they also help out with people suffering from mental health issues.” 

Under no circumstances must we allow people to see that due to severe cuts in social services such as mental health facilities that other services are suffering more than from just their own cuts.
Next, we’ll be promoting the idea that members of the fire service can also be ambulance drivers. Good eh? Brenda thought of that one on her way back from Harrods food hall with our elevenses when she almost fell over an old lady with a broken leg, waiting four hrs for an ambulance.

Today Matthew Hedges was pardoned for allegedly spying in UAE and returned to the UK. We were directed to promote this positively at all costs in order to brighten the Saudi Prince’s reputation. Yemen and Khasshogi have darkened the public opinion but the Government needs to keep a ‘special relationship’ with the Saudis so they buy our arms, so we have to ensure that the public thinks of rainbows and unicorns when we discuss Mohamed Bin Salman the reformist.

The news we avoided reporting at all costs was that the DWP was in court for the sixth time this year… We didn’t report the first five times so we certainly weren’t going to change our spots this time. We totally ignored that and threw the press release in the bin and decided to take a long lunch down at Corruptions Wine Bar.

Wednesday 28th November 2018

Phillip Hammond tricked our broadcast buddies, went on live television and poo poo’d Theresa’s Brexit deal. I would have liked to have been a fly on those studio walls. The shit must have hit the fan!

Economic predictions were released which totally undermined Theresa Mays Brexit deal and then Jeremy Corbyn smashed his way through PMQs. (We’re beginning to wonder how we’re going to beat him and all the people he represents) we made sure no opposition MP got a look at the economic report, that’s a start.

We have had a very hard time distracting the public, with the lefty independent media producing front pages that are unpopular with the establishment, the status quo is considering how to put a plug in this just as journalists from Scottish Independence supporting newspapers were banned from attending a press conference by Theresa May. Followed by channel 4 being thrown out the building without an interview and moaning about it all over Twitter…
She isn’t the first to start banning journalists, Trump famously did so only last week but all the best dictatorships ban journalists so we know we are heading to the best of times for rich people with this kind of direct dictatorial behaviour.

Thursday 29th November 2018

Thursday appeared to be a calmer news day and we were all resigned to the fact that we could have a relaxing day drinking the bar dry but those lefty independents spoiled our fun again. Have I mentioned I really don’t like that lot?

They released information that a vicar that had appeared on BBC Newsnight, was, in fact, an actor who had appeared on BBC shows and wasn’t even a vicar, only an internet ordained pastor… We were all too drunk to deal with this effectively so we let our broadcast buddies cope with the aftermath but we were all feeling a bit sick that our dodgy dealings and lies were being found out once again.
Each time this happens we are sure Leveson Two will become a more imminent possibility and then we are all up shit creek without a paddle.

Friday 30th November 2018

While I jetted off to Buenos Aires on the Mayforce one, Tommy Robinson released a video apologising for publishing fake news on the internet after he was discovered lying again. We could take some tips from him actually. He laughed and acted all shy and embarrassed saying how he had been misled by the leftys!
YES! Blame it on the leftys, why didn’t we think of this yesterday…

We promptly released a news story saying how the vicar was a plant by the lefties to make the BBC look bad. That the BBC had no idea that they had paid and employed her to appear on television and be in support of Brexit.

Saturday 1st December 2018

Gawd what a night! That May and Trump can certainly party… She proposed we drop all health and safety rules so we can feed chlorinated chicken and hormone-fed beef to all the peasants, hmm, we’re sure we can spin that before said peasants find out… Trump had an almighty hangover and insisted his aides, get him out of there before he threw up all over the Argentinian president.. It was almost a relief to get home and find out, YAY finally we can decorate the office.
I like things that glitter and sparkle, the season of giving, pfft. The season of all that glitters and gold as far as I am concerned and lots and lots of sparkly.

Now any news story can be easily covered up with “hey, don’t worry about all this bad stuff going on… Merry Christmas, buy, buy, buy and buy more.”

Today, around the country, everyone was protesting against Universal Credit, we totally ignored that and decided to listen to Christmas songs in the wine bar instead.

Meanwhile, we got the office lackey to put out positive stories about the kindness of our Tory overlords as they photobombed various food bank photos to pretend that they care. Afterward, they joined us all down the wine bar and we got legless laughing at the destitute that can’t afford Christmas this year and toasted the great travellers who created a food bank challenge and left shopping trolleys of food outside food banks across the country, just in time for our Tory MPs to claim the credit.


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