Hacks HQ – CrapApp Tory Conference Panic – Sunday Satire

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Hacks HQ: Editors Log

Stardate: Fu<I< 5h1t 80ll0x

Another week of really crappy luck for us at Hacks HQ, starting to wonder if it will ever improve. Two staff members down, Labour Conference was a stonking success and we haven’t been able to find anything horrible to say about Corbyn in ages…

To top it all off the general public have my phone number and they’ve really been showing that they are the many by phoning me non stop and telling me what facts are missing from my articles, some cheeky sods are even correcting my grammar…

My fellow Hack colleagues are also being unfairly targeted! It’s not like we’ve ever acted dishonorably towards the public and deserve this treatment…

How did they get my number?! Brandon bloody Lewis and his modernising the Conservative party is how they got my number.

Turns out he got an app made by bloody foreigners, can’t have them supporting the British techies, they outsourced it to a non-GDPR firm abroad.

They thought they could be like Momentum… The Labour party have a lot to answer for with their bloody great ideas and swanky tech. Conservatives keep thinking well whatever you can do we can do better yah!

No

No, you can’t, I hate saying it but Momentum is just lots and lots better! Damnit…

To make matters worse they have even offered to run the Tory App next year because they are “nice” people…

Who does “nice” anymore? We thought it was just Jeremy Corbyn, turns out there’s a whole bloody army of “nice” people, doing “nice” things and just being “nice” to each other all the time… I hate them!

So anyway the app leaked all our personal details, everyone attending the conference has had their personal details exposed due to a crappy breach in the software…

David Cameron has spent all afternoon being called a Twat by the general public and even Danny Dyer tweeted that he has taken the opportunity to call the ex-PM of the UK a twat over the phone.

David Cameron’s wife has reported that her husband is now curled up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb and sobbing behind the sofa, making incomprehensible snorting sounds if the phone even vibrates.

Boris Johnson has been inundated with recruitment calls from the Circus and May unbelievably has been offered a job at a strip club…

Apparently, there is a lot of calls for a lady of her age and sensuous figure…

Michael Gove has experienced a day of teachers and parents across the country telling him in no uncertain terms to feck off, a few students have called too, including a six-year-old who doesn’t like tests using homophones fowl and foul to describe him .. (Who knew six-year-olds knew the word homophone)

Jeremy Hunt was called by a number of Chinese women shouting diu lay down the phone, growing speculation is that this is his wife who is still holding a grudge for being referred to as Japanese at a trade meeting in China.

Rupert Murdoch’s details have also been exposed and it is rumoured that the whole of Liverpool is filling his inbox full of moony gifs… A total eclipse of the sun with their moonys… Murdoch apparently looks more red-faced than he has ever done before.

It can’t get much worse than this can it?

Hold that thought, Paul the Octopus has just predicted Tory infighting, self-destruction and a general election imminent…

The Octopus is always right, we’re doomed!

 

 

 

 

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